So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
