He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
