She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
