Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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