The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
