It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
