next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
