note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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