My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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