He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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