just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
