and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
