Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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