got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
