Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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