Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
