I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
