I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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