in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
