True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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