Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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