were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Couch. On fire.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
