Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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