I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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