I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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