plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
