I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
