I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
