Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
