Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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