Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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