I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
