I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
