I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
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You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
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Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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