North Korea, Best Korea!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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