Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
