I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
