some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
