Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
