You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
