More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
