i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
