Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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