Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
