i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
last night I used snow as a chaser
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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