How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We need to rekindle our bromance
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
