tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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