He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
