Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
