You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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