I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
