i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
