I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
