The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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