genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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