New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
